Humor
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
Is that ass a water barrier 'cause dam[n]?
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
Latias is red.
Latios is blue.
You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
Memes
Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.
You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
What did the hot dog say to the condom? "Hot dog condom style."
Scan my wrist for 75% off!
"DEEZ NUTS"
I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it... Oh, wait.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
To get to the real estate agent.
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
What game can an emo play on their wrists without an ink pen?
Tic-tac-toe.
What do you call a Chinese boy throwing poo?
Yung Flung Dung.
What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?
I beat both of them.
I wanna tell you guys a joke about a broken pencil...
But it’s quite pointless.
My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.
Who makes the best anteaters?
Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.