**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, “Listen Barack, I’m getting older and I’m having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?” Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. “Oh Donald, You f... just like Barack Obama.”
Me: (pointing up in the air) "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" Girl: "dude, this is a library" Me: “oh” (screwing on a silencer)
You know, I got a SKELETON, of these jokes, all are HUMERUS, yeah, this get’s Under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening, hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!
How do chinese people name there children? They thro pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, Ching Chong Chang.
A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini. The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him. The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao
You’re a good soldier Choosing your battles Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and back in the saddle You’re on the front line Everyone’s watching You know it’s serious we’re getting closer, this isn’t over The pressure is on You feel it But you’ve got it all Believe it When you fall get up oh oh And if you fall get up oh oh Tsamina mina zangalewa ’Cause this is Africa Tsamina mina eh eh Waka waka eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Listen to your God This is our motto Your time to shine don’t wait in line y vamos por todo People are raising Their expectations Go on and feed them this is your moment no hesitations Today’s your day I feel it You paved the way Believe it If you get down get up oh oh When you get down get up eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Tsamina mina eh eh Waka waka eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa aa Tsamina mina eh eh Waka waka eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Ame la mejole biggi biggi mubbo wa A to Z Asi tsu zala makyuni biggi biggi mubbo from East to West Asi waga waga ma eh eh waga waga ma eh eh Tendency suna tsibuye 'cause this is Africa (Africa, Africa Africa) Tsamina mina, Anawa a a Tsamina mina Tsamina mina, Anawa a a Tsamina mina, eh eh Waka waka, eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa a a Tsamina mina, eh eh Waka waka, eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Django eh eh Django eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa a a Django eh eh Django eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa a a This time for Africa This time for Africa We’re all Africa We’re all Africa
How did the Asian couple name their child? They dropped pots and pans down the stairs and listened to the noises.
What’s the worst part of about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car? Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half
Why are we depressed, is it because that bully in your school, or that you have acne, how about when you listen to you sad song playlist, maybe cause you have no friends, Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake. T^T
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”