Humor

Why is the Reaper not funny at all?

Well, he tells dead jokes!

Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb, you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

What is the best thing about being back?

Free bullets.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?

'Cause there are twenty of them.

A still from Sesame Street shows Ernie and Bert standing next to a snowman. In the bottom of the image, overlaid on a black background, are the words: "You can still hear her heart beat!" Ernie said. It wasn't until spring that the hooker's dead body would show up on the playground.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

Why was Helen Keller so bad at driving?

Because she's a woman.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

My teacher asked the class to stand up if you're dumb. No one did, so she said, "Come on, someone must be dumb," and pointed over to the left side of the classroom. Lil Jonny stands up. "Do you think you're dumb, Lil Jonny?" asked the teacher. "No, I just feel bad for you. You're the only one who stood up," replied Lil Jonny!

Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.