Humor

I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.

Where do astronauts 👩‍🚀 keep their sandwiches 🥪?

In their launch box! 🚀📦😂

When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...

What is the definition of a woman?

A life support system for a vagina.

Little boy: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?

Little boy: Your parents.

Paper.

Aww c'mon! I thought my joke made the cut!

Our teacher said for two kids to stare at a wall for no reason, so I said, "Hey wall, that ass flat like a pancake from McDonald's."

Why is Mrs. Grapes 🍇 a good mother?

Because she loves raisin' kids.

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."

The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!

Q: Why did the first Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead too.

Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the other two Koalas on the way down.

Q: Why did the fourth Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.

Q: Why did the fifth Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was curious to see where the others were going.

Q: Why did the sixth Koala fall off the tree? A: It was tied to the fifth koala.

Q: Why did the seventh Koala fall off the tree? A: Peer group pressure.

Why are school shooting jokes so funny?

Answer: The bullets hit your funny bone!

What did the Indian cheese say to the other cheese?

"Tu cheese badi hai mast mast!"

A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.

That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.

That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.

What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?

“I can na-zi.”