Humor
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
Mr Bean Meme
Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
what song did people in Hiroshima listen to?
"Here Comes the Sun."
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?
I don't bowl.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."
What do you call a heterosexual man giving a brojob to another heterosexual man?
gay now, heterosexual later.