Humor
We don't read backwards.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
Mr Bean Meme
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What do you call a heterosexual man giving a brojob to another heterosexual man?
gay now, heterosexual later.
I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.
Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
I'm gonna stop telling rape jokes...
They just seem so forced.
what song did people in Hiroshima listen to?
"Here Comes the Sun."
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."