Humor

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!

I hate writing dwarf jokes, but I normally keep them short.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

Your mum sat on a phone, and she turned it into a pancake.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

Q. What makes music on your hair?

A. A headband!

There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

All of the people disliking this category are probably emo.

Why don’t we just call blue balls a cummy ache?

A collection of 911 jokes.

What kinda pizza did they order at 911?

Plane.

What was the color of 911?

Plane.

What is the fastest way to see 911?

Plane.

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

What’s the difference between a priest and target?

Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

What do you call a mouse with sneakers?

Squeakers!

If you don't like orphan jokes, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON HERE??!!! WE DON'T ACCEPT YOU HERE!

If you saw an orphan, could you say where your parents at? And if they cry, just say, "hey here are your parents" then grab nothing. Perfect example.

What was Stephen Hawking's last meal?

Meals on wheels.

Emos are dark people....

...So why are they all white?

Goths are even darker...

SO WHY ARE THEY WHITER!?

What did Papyrus say when Sans served spaghetti to Frisk?

BONE-Appetit!