Humor
Your mom is a joke.
"Confucius say, man who has mosquito on balls truly understands nonviolence."
Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"
Why did the stoner cross the road?
He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
These jokes are old, come up with something new!
What do you do when your man doesn't like fruit jokes?
Let the mango.
What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?
My penis.
Why was the astronaut washing her hands?
She was getting ready to eat launch.
Yo mama so fricking ugly, she made humans to extinct.
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
Joke start.
Punchline!
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
"Left, center, right, and apolitical, also skeptical, are also a joke."
Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.