Humor
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
Memes
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
What does a priest and a clown have in common?
They both make children cry.
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?
"Can you show me what rape is?"
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.
It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."
what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?
I don't bowl.