Humor

Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.

Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.

Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.

I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.

What does a priest and a clown have in common?

They both make children cry.

A pun enters the room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?

Steamed veggies!

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.

It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.

Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅

Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.

What do you call a heterosexual man giving a brojob to another heterosexual man?

gay now, heterosexual later.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

When is a rapist safe around children?

When his plans are oven ready.

what's worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans.