Humor

Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅

Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

Me: So you two girls are from England?

Girls: Wales.

Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

When is a rapist safe around children?

When his plans are oven ready.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.

what's worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

All of the people disliking this category are probably emo.

what do you call a cow that fell?

Ground beef.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. Depression who? Depression you!

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

What’s the difference between a priest and target?

Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

What do you call a mouse with sneakers?

Squeakers!

What was Stephen Hawking's last meal?

Meals on wheels.