Humor
Kid: "What's dark humor?"
Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."
Kid: "I am blind, Mom."
Mom: "Exactly."
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
What do you call a spaceman’s willy?
A Shuttlecock!
What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?
They both have something hanging in their closet.
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
Memes
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Read this slow: I 1 2 4 Q?
What do you call your angry French aunt?
A crossaunt.
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
When is a piece of wood made king?
When it's a ruler.
What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to turn them on before they start to suck.
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?
The hole experience.
What do you call a Muslim sleepover?
Osamas in Pajamas.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."