Humor

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

What do you call a banana eating a banana?

Canabananalism.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.

How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Flip it upside down.

What do you call a Russian man with three balls?

'Whodya nikabollokov'

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

What do you call a dog that tells time?

A watchdog.

What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?

90% of America's population.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!