Humor

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

What do you call a spaceman’s willy?

A Shuttlecock!

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Read this slow: I 1 2 4 Q?

What do you call your angry French aunt?

A crossaunt.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

What do you call a banana eating a banana?

Canabananalism.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.