Humor

How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.

Read this slow: I 1 2 4 Q?

What do you call your angry French aunt?

A crossaunt.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

What do you call a Muslim sleepover?

Osamas in Pajamas.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.