Humor

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

What do you call a banana eating a banana?

Canabananalism.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

What do you call a spaceman’s willy?

A Shuttlecock!

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.

What do you call your angry French aunt?

A crossaunt.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"