Humor

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

What is a gay person’s favourite meal?

Willy con carne.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

What type of camp does a kid with ADHD go to?

Concentration camp.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

What do lesbians cook for dinner?

They don't, they just eat out.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

What do you call a spaceman’s willy?

A Shuttlecock!

What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.

Read this slow: I 1 2 4 Q?

What do you call your angry French aunt?

A crossaunt.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.