Humor
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."
There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.
*knock knock*
Who's there!
Not Sarah.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?
A: You gonna eat that?
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
what was sally's role in a football game?
the football ;-;
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?
90% of America's population.
Why are cows such great dancers?
They have all the best moooves!
Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:
1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.