Humor

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?

Nothing, he just exploded.

Why are cows such great dancers?

They have all the best moooves!

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.

What do you call a banana eating a banana?

Canabananalism.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

What do you call a spaceman’s willy?

A Shuttlecock!

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"