Humor

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

A trash can behind the cancer ward.

This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something. SOMEONE will laugh. Say: "This word isn't gonna be funny until I tell you, your probably not going to laugh." *your friend* "what's the word?" *you* "finger" *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not everyone laughs, so don't feel bad if they don't. Also, don't be surprised if you get put in jail for murder, because you're going to kill someone with this.

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.

*knock knock*

Who's there!

Not Sarah.

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?

A: You gonna eat that?

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

what was sally's role in a football game?

the football ;-;

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?

90% of America's population.

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.