I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
Humor
If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B?"
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
I have an orphan joke, but it needs parental guidance.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
what was sally's role in a football game?
the football ;-;
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
A "glad-he-ate-her".
Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
I am an actual police officer (Not gonna mention with which department in case they actually check this site) and tbh I find these jokes funny as fuck, carry on boys.
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.
Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.
What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill?
A fat nun.
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
