Humor
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
Kid: "What's dark humor?"
Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."
Kid: "I am blind, Mom."
Mom: "Exactly."
What did the lawyer name his twins?
COURTney and CASEy.
What do you call your angry French aunt?
A crossaunt.
Took me about 15 seconds of staring in confusion to figure out how the illusion worked
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?
The hole experience.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.
What do you call a dog that tells time?
A watchdog.
What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?
Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.
Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.
When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.
A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...
What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill?
A fat nun.
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.