Humor
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.
My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the Fresh prints.
Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit.
Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.
What do you call an idiotic cow?
A mis-steak!
What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?
Boi Ling.
I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.
I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it.