Humor
Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper. Because a huge rock is headed towards Earth, and paper covers rock.
What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
What's an alien's favorite computer key?
The space bar!
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the Fresh prints.
Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?
Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit.