Humor

What's the only good thing about being an orphan?

All snacks are family sized!

I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh prints.

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.

My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot.

Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?

Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.

"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER!"

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

What do you call terrible milk?

Udder Bullshit.

Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.

What do you call an idiotic cow?

A mis-steak!

What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?

Boi Ling.

What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.

I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it.

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.

Michael Jackson is pure cheese.

I mean, Jacko comes on a little cracker.

September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay