Humor

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.

As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

Why did Joey drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)

I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper. Because a huge rock is headed towards Earth, and paper covers rock.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh prints.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.