Humor

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Badass Toilet Paper Company: We don't take shit off of anyone.

So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.

"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER!"

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?

Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.

As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>

If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.