Humor
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>
So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?
I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.
Ok, not really racist but still funny.
Memes
Took me about 15 seconds of staring in confusion to figure out how the illusion worked
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?
"Here Comes The Airplane!"
A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.
I think she was pulling my leg.
Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the Fresh prints.
Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?
Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.