Humor

Good morning everybody, well I could say that unlike emo kids.

There are perks to bringing an emo to the grocery store; you can get coupons by scanning their wrist.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

What do you call Mordecai dressing up as a basketball player?

Blue Jay Simpson!

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!

I'd make a joke about the chin bones, but y'all couldn't mandle it.

You know when people say a joke about living?

That's because we are all living a joke.

Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?

Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!

Subway trying to commemorate 9/11: CRASH INTO SUBWAY THIS SUBTEMBER 11TH TO GET 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR ONLY $9.11, THAT'S 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR $9.11 AND WATCH THEM FALL... INTO YOUR MOUTH!

What's in a Michael Jackson hotdog?

A 50-year-old piece of meat.

A 12-year-old bun.

I would have a joke for my friend... but he can't afford the punchline.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid and tried to brighten up his day.

Chuck Norris sent the chicken back across the road.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

How'd the skeleton know it was going to rain? He looked at the weather forecast.

What do your BF and the Twin Towers have in common?

They both never get erect.

SMG4 Mario be like in Ohio: I don’t wanna do this...

Candice everyone: Candice?

Mario: CAN DEEZ NUTS FIT IN YOUR MOUTH!

What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?

Stand up.