Humor

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

Q: I like elephants.

A: Everything else is irrelevant.

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person.

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945.

What's brown and in a baby's diaper?

Michael Jackson's hand.

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

What do u call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tie-wan-sho.

Roses are red... blood is too... I wonder how blood would look on you.

What do you call a prostitute weed dealer?

A pot-hole.

You know you have twisted humor when you crack a smile when a Minecraft farmer says he separates the white sheep from the colored ones.

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

What’s long, white, and full of cream? A cheese stick.

MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.

Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.

Wanna hear a joke? Just look in the mirror, the joke's there!

Teacher: Why did you throw paper airplanes at the twin sisters?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.

What do you call a Chinese person with no legs?

Lim Ping.

Joe Mama so weird, she cut her hair in a squiggly diggly haircut.

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."