Humor

Why are Elmo’s jealous of lights?

Lights are hanging.

I have no dad, no milk, and no mom, so that means no tits, like if you can relate.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

Friend A: Do you like Wendy's?

Friend B: Yes, why?

Friend A: Wen-dez nuts in your mouth!

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.

+1 Comet.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"

You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

Yo mama so ugly, she went to a fat concert and they said no experts allowed! 😂

What kind of cold flu do the Japanese get? The Koflu.

Yo mama so fat, survivors of the Titanic said a fat girl on the bow was so heavy, the ship started to sink, but when she reached the stern, the ship split.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.

Yo momma so fat, I took a photo of her last year and it's still printing.

Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?

Because he was a family doctor!

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.

What do you call a priest that likes juice?

A Capriest Sun.

Why don't paralyzed people laugh?

They hate stand-up comedy.

Yo hairline so bent even Bob the Builder can’t fix it!