Humor
Bully: I wasn't talking to you.
Me: Then why are you listening?
What are two plus sides to being an orphan?
1. All your snacks are family sized.
2. No one can make jokes about your mama.
It's tiring being straight 24/7.
🎆 New Year's Eve
Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"
Mom👱🏻♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"
Dad👨🏻🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"
Which book takes an extreme turn and has an incredible plot twist?
- The math book. Suddenly letters appear in the calculations...
Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!
I'm so friking dumb, even I need Joe Mama so fricking bad.
Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.
Ha, gay!
I photo bombed someone's selfie, and then they yelled, "Why would you do that? I was trying to take a family photo!"
What is the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.
Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."
Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"
Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."
What’s the worst part of being a pedophile?
Getting the blood out of your clown suit.
My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. 💀
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?
They're both dead...
Why was the orphan so successful?
Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."