Hows jokes

How did Caillou quit his party?

He had to cancel it.

How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?

"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."

The teacher asked a young boy in primary school, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

To which the boy replies, "No."

The teacher then sets his homework to learn the alphabet.

At home, the boy goes up to his mum, who is on the phone, and asks, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

"Shut up," she replied.

The boy goes to his dad, who just won the footie match, and asks, "Can you teach me the alphabet?"

But the dad is too busy celebrating and shouting, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

The boy goes to his big brother and asks him to teach him the alphabet.

But his brother is singing, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The boy goes to his sister and asks her for the alphabet.

But his sister is singing, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

The next day the teacher asks him the alphabet.

The boy replies, "Shut up."

"Alright, I'm sending you to the principal's office right now."

The boy replies, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

In the office, the principal says, "Who do you think you are?"

The boy replies, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The principal now says, "How do you think you'll get away with this?"

The boy then replies, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

How does an Indian open his car?

"Boot, boot!" (in an Indian accent)

What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?

Condoms!

Chuck Norris: "Chuck Norris doesn't fight, he just allows you to lose."

Me: "How come did you lose Return of the Dragon?"

How do you eat a cake?

With a fork!

How do ducks fart?

Out their butt, quack.

How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Comedian: If you’re racist and you know it, clap your hands.

Guy 1 & Guy 2: 👏👏

Comedian: WTF bros!

Comedian: And one of you is black and one is white. How does that work?

If 4 birds are sitting on a fence and one gets shot, how many are still on the fence?

None, the rest fly away.

How many apps did he download?

Well, he did run out of storage.

How do you open a banana? Answer with a mon-key.

Sally fell off the swing. How did she fall off?

She had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.

How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?

He performs fellatio on them.

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

How to become a monkey?

Put a red dot on your forehead.

How do you stop constipation?

You scare the crap outta them.

(Crap is another word for poop.)

Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.