My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”fuck off you won’t bring it back!”
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Its sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as- wild dogs
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 6,7,8 9,10
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
My whife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said: 'You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!'
How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up, I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
how do you get your grass to cut itself. make it depressed
