Hows jokes
What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?
"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"
Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?
It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"
How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just put the light bulb up their pussy and ask you to pay.
Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.
Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.
Me: How do you know that?
One knight, a king, and a queen went fishing. They each caught one fish, so how did three fish end up in the bucket?
One "knight"!!!
How do you know Adam and Eve were White?
Have you ever tried taking a rib from a Black man?
How do you make a blonde girl stop screaming in bed? Pull out of her.
You know how 7 8 9? Why was ten scared? 'Cos he was in the middle of 9/11.
How do you get a discount off groceries?
Scan the emo kid's wrists.
How do fish get high?
Because they eat seaweed.
3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.
The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
How many cats are in the human body?
None, unless you're Asian.
Donald Trump is so smart he got to take a cognitive test 4 times.
And if you think that's impressive, wait until you hear how many times he got to retake first grade.
How do you make the grass cut itself?
Make it depressed.