Holiday jokes
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
What car do elves drive?
Toy-yodas.
Why is a sweet potato casserole so sweet? Because it's so sweet to eat!
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
Memes
so true
What did Sally get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, because his parents ran away.
Double whammy. Orphan jokes are like a kid with cancer; it never gets old. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌👌
What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
A whale went to the country Wales for vacation.
When it ended, what did he say? "I had a whale of a time!"
Yo mama so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Why did the lion say, "I'm faster than you," to the cheetah?
Because it was Halloween!
Guess what Sally got for Christmas? Gloves! Jk, she still hasn't opened it.
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
How did Santa fit down the chimney?
He buttered it.
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
What did Santa say to the rain? Go away!
Why was 6 afraid of 9?
Because 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?