Holiday jokes
What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?
They can both flash.
In Home Alone, if the kid was an orphan, it would just be called "Alone."
What’s an orphan’s favorite holidays? Mothers’ and Father’s Day.
Have a great year!
During the holidays in the fruit bowl, the orange walked up to the banana and said, "Berry Christmas!"
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
What car do elves drive?
Toy-yodas.
Why is a sweet potato casserole so sweet? Because it's so sweet to eat!
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, because his parents ran away.
Double whammy. Orphan jokes are like a kid with cancer; it never gets old. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌👌
What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
Where do short people disappear on the first of December?
Santa's Workshop.
Why did the lion say, "I'm faster than you," to the cheetah?
Because it was Halloween!
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
Guess what Sally got for Christmas? Gloves! Jk, she still hasn't opened it.
How did Santa fit down the chimney?
He buttered it.
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."