Holiday jokes
On April Fools' Day, there is no fool except for me.
Happy April Fool's Day.
I am the fool, now fuck me.
Father: "Fritz, light the Christmas tree!"
Where do short people disappear on the first of December?
Santa's Workshop.
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
What did the person with no hands get for Christmas?
He didn't open it yet.
Halloween. The day we celebrate your face.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?
Memorial Day.
Why?
Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
On Halloween you better hide your candy, or else there will be a fella named Big Dick Randy.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.
Guys, what should I be for Halloween (aka tomorrow)?
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?
Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.