Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
On Halloween you better hide your candy, or else there will be a fella named Big Dick Randy.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.
Guys, what should I be for Halloween (aka tomorrow)?
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?
Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
Why was Santa happy?
'Cause he has hoes.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
my son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
