Holiday jokes
My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"
Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.
Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?
Because he was too stuffed.
Flip 1134 over on a calculator.
Happy holidays!
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
Why do orphans have 363 days on the calendar? Because they don't have Mother's or Father's Day!
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She had no arms.
What did Sarah get for Christmas? I dunno, she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
Wanna know something the orphan could never do?
Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?
Klaustrophobic.
"Eeee, is a time for a tree night out to a tree. 🌲 I can fly to the earth day to day day one night type and a walk in and a tree."
My family was watching Home Alone 2, so whenever Kevin was at the top of the Twin Towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.
You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!
Robin asks Batman what he is getting his parents for Christmas. Batman gets mad, slaps Robin, and runs off crying.
Now you know why Batman Beyond was born when Bruce died. cause of death: suicide
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.