Holiday jokes
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday?.... Christmas because everything is hanging.
What's a pedophile's favorite part of Halloween? Free delivery.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
Why do Chinese people hate Christmas? Because they make the toys.
I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
What's an orphan's favorite movie?
"Home Alone."
What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Because they make the toys.
What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?
"Do you need help packing your shit?"
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both let little kids sit on their lap.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.