Health jokes
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!
What do you call two Michael J. Fox's standing next to each other?
Parallel Parkinson's.
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
What’s the difference between KFC and a woman on her period?
One is finger-licking good, and the other is just a fast-food restaurant.
What has legs but can't walk?
Don't know? A paralyzed person ;))
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
When a man loses his testosterone,
Man: Could I please have a loaner boner?
What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?
CANCER!
Just kidding, they are both fun to laugh at.
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common? They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Why did he kill himself?
Because he is adopted to a fat man who farts.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?
Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in some laundry...
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.
Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."
Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"
Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
A man bought steroids from Amazon.com... He was expecting a big package to come!