Health jokes

I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

Sometimes a depressed person is antidepression.

Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?

Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.

Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.

Father: Now you know.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

Donald Trump is getting all the perks of 2020. He got COVID and lost his job.

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

This isn't a joke; I just want to spread awareness of anatidaephobia.

What’s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic corn shucker “shucks between fits”...

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS!

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a lil' boogie in it ;)

Hot shingles in your neighborhood wanting to get nailed.

This person has Down syndrome.

Why'd Sally drop her ice cream?

She was hit by a bus.