Health jokes

I feel sad because I went to an old man in a wheelchair while he was sitting next to a fire, and I screamed, "Hot Wheels!" 🤣

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

What’s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic corn shucker “shucks between fits”...

Donald Trump is getting all the perks of 2020. He got COVID and lost his job.

This isn't a joke; I just want to spread awareness of anatidaephobia.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a lil' boogie in it ;)

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

Hot shingles in your neighborhood wanting to get nailed.

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

This person has Down syndrome.

Why'd Sally drop her ice cream?

She was hit by a bus.

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

If someone calls you, just say:

"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"

How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.