Health jokes
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?
Cause they want to become Super Man.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
Why did the booty go to therapy?
It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.