Health jokes
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Gay is a mental illness.
You're not thinking straight.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
What's Juice Wrld's favorite salad? A seizure salad.
Yo mama so FAT... I tried to picture her in my head... AND SHE BROKE MY GOD DAMN NECK!
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
China wants their name on everything but the m.f. virus.