Health jokes

Last year, I got kicked out of the Hospital for telling COVID patients to stay positive!

Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.

Q: What did the little girl say to her leper daddy?

A: "Oops, I got your nose!"

Comment if you're not vaccinated and don't plan to be!

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair smoking weed?

A baked potato.

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

Yo mama is so stupid, she took her dog to the vet because she thought he had a tube of lipstick stuck between his legs.

I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.

Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"

Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"

If you have cancer, you are gay.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.

Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?

Oh, it's still cancer.

If laughter is contagious, LEO is immune.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?

Gonorrhea.

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!