Health jokes
Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."
Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.
I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...
... And pulled a mussel.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."
What’s the worst part of a vegetable?
A wheelchair.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
Your mom is SOO stupid, she was studying for a COVID test.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?
Cause they want to become Super Man.
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.