Health jokes
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
Why did the booty go to therapy?
It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
What's Juice Wrld's favorite salad? A seizure salad.
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
Yo mama so FAT... I tried to picture her in my head... AND SHE BROKE MY GOD DAMN NECK!
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.