Health jokes
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction after eating 12-year-old nuts.
Memes
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
Where do bunnies go when they're sick?
The hoppital.
Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?
No, because it never came out...
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
What’s the hamburgler’s retarded cousin? Aspergler.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.
When did I realize COVID was serious?
When I saw your teeth social distancing.
I decided to make a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. It's called "Spastics on Elastics."
I'm hertophobic -
aka I'm allergic to all straight guys.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.
Why does the orange 🍊 beat the other fruits 🍎 in every race?
Because it never runs out of juice.
Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.
They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."
"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!