Health jokes
What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
When did I realize COVID was serious?
When I saw your teeth social distancing.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
What is the difference between a wheelchair and a walker?
I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”
Yo mama so stupid, she studied for the COVID test.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction after eating 12-year-old nuts.
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.