Health jokes

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.

What’s the hamburgler’s retarded cousin? Aspergler.

When did I realize COVID was serious?

When I saw your teeth social distancing.

I decided to make a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. It's called "Spastics on Elastics."

Why does the orange 🍊 beat the other fruits 🍎 in every race?

Because it never runs out of juice.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.

Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.

They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."

"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

I'm going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!

Joke: Why did the gym close down?

– It just didn’t work out.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."

Sy'kyira (😌): I can't wait for the therapist to come.

Daina (😊): Same, 30 minutes have passed... I also wonder what that loud sound is.

Sy'kyira (😅): SAME!!!! What, does it sound like a woman suffering???

Daina (😌): I know, right?

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

What is the difference between a wheelchair and a walker?

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.