Health jokes
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!
Why did the stick fall?
Because he is a stick man.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
Why is Hugh's mum so fucking fat?
Because she ate the 34 other kids she had but now only has 6,789.
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?
Dial-ISIS!
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
There is one difference between autistic kids and vegetarians.
They're both vegetables in serotonin ways.
What do you get when you beat up an autistic kid?
Mashed potatoes.
Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.
He really shook things up today.
I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.
My friend has ligma...
Lick ma balls!
What is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
One day a son and his grandad were smoking.
Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?
If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, do you take him to PC World or A&E?
What's the motto for a pizza place that's also an abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.