Health jokes
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... He died of hearing aids.
A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.
“Those are just contractions.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
Dark humor is like the plague; everyone was supposed to get it.
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!
My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
Bro, you teeth are so yellow that you can't brush your teeth.
Why can't orphans smoke?
They don't have parents ._.
Have you heard about kids with AIDS?
It never gets old.
Every hair zodiac has a hairstyle--except Cancer.
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.