Health jokes
These are ear-retcal jokes...
Fail.
Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in some laundry...
Your mom's so heavy that it caused Atlas, the Titan, to slip a disc.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.
Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?
Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.
You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.
Me: Imagine not having hair.
Kids: On chemo.
Bitch the fuck.
You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?
A. Nothing, they both die at ten.
What did the blind, deaf, and dumb orphans get for Christmas?...
Cancer.
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
What do you call a wet condom?
A wet condom.
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
What do you call a bunch of microcephalics in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.