Health jokes

Why did the vampire go to the doctor?

Because of his coffin.

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

How are infants and chocolate alike? They'll both kill your dog.

I was falling down the stairs at my local clock tower.

I somehow broke more than 206. I broke 342!

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

Why did the rapper go to the dentist?

To fix his flow.

What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

I did not believe in COVID-19 until I saw your teeth social distancing.

If an apple and a depressed kid fall out of a tree, which one hits the ground first? The apple.

The kid just hangs there.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

You're so skinny when you lift up weights, you fall through your asshole.

Your mum is so fat, when the doctors did her x-ray, the doctor said to her, "I want your x-ray, not an elephant's x-ray!"

Okay, so I have a dairy and sugar allergy, and if I eat it, I get REALLY CONSTIPATED, so this is me when I’m constipated ᕙ(⇀‸↼‵‵)ᕗ lol.

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?

The emo girl still bleeds.

Why did the sick juice tree go to the hospital? Because it needed lemin-ade (not the cool type of sick, the one where you are in the hospital). Lemin-ade 1st ade.

Why doesn't Elon Musk like Taco Bell?

It gives him gas.

Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.