Health jokes
Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas? AIDS.
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
Roses are red, violets are blue, by the way, I have the flu!
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."
My brother said, "You want a cookie?"
A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."
"Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"
Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"
The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."
"What the FU***** SH**"
Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
Erectile dysfunction.
Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"
If your butt hurts real bad, put some vapor rub and booty cream on it so it can heal back to normal.
I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated.
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.
He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.
*I have seizures*
So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.
Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.
Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?
Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.
Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.
Question: What’s bald and is in a straight line?
Answer: The cancer ward. 😵😂😂
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.