Health jokes
"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"
Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
How do you get Carrie Underwood to dehydrate fast?
Tell her that all the water supplies contain the COVID vaccine.
What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
Why did I cross the road to might get hit by a car or a bus?
My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.
"What do you tell a person with depression?
Just hang in there, buddy!"
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.
What's the difference between a (hypothetical) girl and cancer?
Her dad didn't beat cancer.
What is Stephen Hawking's best side?
The left.
Why did the alligator see a crocodile?
Because it ate too many humans, and he was sick.
I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.
Unfortunately, he couldn't come.
What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?
They never get old.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
Me: I broke me bum.
Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."