Health jokes
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
Why do Fortnite players have such good teeth?
Because they like to floss.
When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"
I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
I C U P works on 88% of people.
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.
My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."
People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Q: What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
Why did the pirate go to the gym?
To improve his booty strength!
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be?
In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢