Health jokes

When a girl was having an asthma attack, Ariana said, "Just keep breathing and breathing and breathin!!!!!"

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

Why did the bike fall over? Because I was too tired.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?

An earthquake.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.

I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.

I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?

“A sped runner.”

Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

A player in Baldi's Basics says, "Why are you bald?"

Baldi responds, "Well, I have cancer."

The player says, "Oh, good for you!"

Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.

He jumped off a curb stone.

How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Why do Mexicans take Xanax?

Because they’re Hispanic attacks.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.