Health jokes

What time is it when dogs get hurt?

Time to take your dog to the vet!

I was going to think of a good amputee joke...

But I’m stumped.

You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?

Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.

Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a "Fat Man," 80,000 people died.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

There was a blind man. He was blind. Ha, sucks for him.

The pilot goes "We're going down!"

The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"

Why did Stephen Hawking roll across the road?

Because he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

What's the difference between Andy and acne?

Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.

Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.

Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.

Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.

Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.

1: My grandpa died last year.

2: What kind of cancer?

1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.

A child asks his father, "How do you get pink eye?"

Son, I was told it’s from scratching your butt, then rubbing your eyes.

Then the son asks, "How did I get Fungi?" As the father was about to answer, the boy says, "Ohh, so is it from scratching my stinky feet, then rubbing my eye?" ———-Fungeye

What do you call a washed vegetable?

A disabled kid that needs a towel.

Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."

What's autism! My name is Dee Snutz!

My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.

If you need to squint to read this...

You probably need glasses.

One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?

You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

What do you call a pool full of retards?

Vegetable soup.