Health jokes
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Cancer.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.
I respect cancer more than I respect depression.
At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.
You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself…
A piece of cake.
Someone said to me they like greasy food with gravy.
I said no wonder your forehead's so greasy.
Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”
Dear uncle, I want my condoms.
Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?
A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Steve!"
"Steve who?"
Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.
Fat people: Do I look beautiful when I eat a pack of chicken?
Me: Yes, you look like a bunch of boulders crashing into each other.
Fat: Dang...
Me: Shut up, Jon Brower Minnoch.
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.