Health jokes
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
What do bubbles get when they’re sick?
The suds.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
TDS? More like STDs.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it!
Doctor, what is wrong with me?
You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.