Health jokes

Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.

The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?

Pot roast.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My father didn’t beat cancer.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

What do we want?!

A cure for Tourette's!!

When do we want it?!

Cunt!!!

How did the other 18 COVIDs go unnoticed?

Robert doesn’t see people, the man just sees meals.

If you are dehydrated, you should get well soon.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!

What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.

None.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS!

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.