Health jokes

Kate ate food coloring last night. She said she was dying inside.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?

They both got a 10% survival rate...

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have anty-bodies.

What did the teacher say to the fat Turkish kid that always ate in his class?

"You could do with Ramadan lasting all year, couldn't you?"

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?

Pot roast.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My father didn’t beat cancer.