Health jokes

What did the green grape say to the purple one?

"Calm down and take a breath."

You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”

Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.

Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

Q: Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

A: She got hit by a bus.

What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?

Neither do ever grow old.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?

Pot roast.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.