Health jokes

When I was going downstairs, Sum Ting Wong fell, and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened.

You have a problem with jokes about dementia? That's funny, I don't remember asking.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!

Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.

Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

What do you call a basketball player with erectile dysfunction?

Tragic Johnson.

What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?

Neither do ever grow old.

What does Cangaball do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?

Pot roast.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My father didn’t beat cancer.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.