Health jokes

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

When I was going downstairs, Sum Ting Wong fell, and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened.

Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.

Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?

Why do some couples go to the gym together?

Because they want their relationship to work out.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?

Pot roast.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My father didn’t beat cancer.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS!

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.