Health jokes
How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?
The wheelchair rises to the top.
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
Memes
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?
They both got a 10% survival rate...
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What is a fat boy's favorite karate move?
A pork chop.
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
A. Cancer.
What do you call a premature Chinese baby birth? Wong Tai-Ming.
Why do some couples go to the gym together?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
Do you know why there are no pharmacies and pharmacists in Africa?
Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach!
If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."