Health jokes
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's...
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's.
Q: Why did Sally drop her ice cream?
A: She got hit by a bus.
Memes
How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?
The wheelchair rises to the top.
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?
They both got a 10% survival rate...
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What is a fat boy's favorite karate move?
A pork chop.
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
A. Cancer.