Health jokes
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
Your mum is so fat that when she sat on the toilet, she couldn't because her fat ass can't fit on the toilet seat.
I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to Dr. Pepper for a check up.
Period: Guess who’s back... back again...
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
The best part about having autism is being able to make jokes about genociding autistic people and no one can say a damn thing.
Good news! There's a new program to help autistic people. It's called Action T-4.