Health jokes

"You is so black your mama fainted."

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries."

What's the best way to remove gum from hair?

Cancer.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.

What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?

... A quarter pounder with cheese.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.

The sir: My children will be devastated.

Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.

The sir: Whatever it takes.

*Suppressed gunshots*

Pooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!