Health jokes
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
The best part about having autism is being able to make jokes about genociding autistic people and no one can say a damn thing.
Good news! There's a new program to help autistic people. It's called Action T-4.
What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.
Q: How do you deliver an autistic baby?
A: A clothes hanger.
Did you hear they found a cure for autism? It's called Zyklon B.
Light it up blue 🔵
Dwarfism is a growing problem.
Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.
He jumped off a curb stone.
My friend is so ugly, she got surgery twice, but not even that could fix her.
What did Eminem call himself when he lost weight?
Slim Shady.
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.
That's what Elliot Rodger did.
What does a person eat before a race?
Answer: They fast.
Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."
What did COVID say to the American?
Nothing, it just took its breath away...
You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.
If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber.