Health jokes

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

What does a person eat before a race?

Answer: They fast.

Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber.

A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"

The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."

The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

Why is Delta jealous?

Because Omicron took the final kill.

I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.

I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."

Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"

Nancy be like, "Don't do drugs, do cock!"

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.

This is how to die soft 101.

Yo bro, you good? You need a hug?

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.

They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."

"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.

Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"

Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.