Gift jokes
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
Q. What does Jeffrey Epstein get his sex partners for their birthday? A. Crayons.
What did the person with no hands get for Christmas?
He didn't open it yet.
Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?
A. Crayons.
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
A German priest went to America for a few months. Unfortunately for him, he did not speak the best English. He stayed with a beautiful, young single woman who worked at a nearby orphanage.
Every day, he visited her in the orphanage, and he always brought her small gifts, and of course to the young children.
The young woman thought the priest was flirting with him, and she knew he was not married. She left that thought in the back of her mind for a few weeks.
A few weeks later, she finally brought up her nerve to ask him. She asked him why he always visited her, and why all the gifts for her and the children.
Of course, due to his bad English, he struggled a bit with his sentence, but he said in his thick German accent, "Vell, I visit you and your, your littles, because the kind girls here are very beautiful and cute."
She was quite amused, and blushed a bit. The man was also a bit nervous, and appeared to want to leave her office.
The Priest then excused himself, and went to read the orphans a bedtime story.
He then muttered to himself, "Ach, she's catching on to me! Stupid! Zey are called little girls and boys, not child boys and girls."
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."