Gift jokes
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
What did the orphan get for Christmas?
Lego figures from his friend, but they ran away too.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.
Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.
Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.
Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.
Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.
Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.
Kid: It's not an Apple product.
Indian poor dad: It's a banana.
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
Guess what Sally got for Christmas? Gloves! Jk, she still hasn't opened it.
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.