Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
Robin asks Batman what he is getting his parents for Christmas. Batman gets mad, slaps Robin, and runs off crying.
Now you know why Batman Beyond was born when Bruce died. cause of death: suicide
I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.
