Gift

Gift jokes

Character

    • Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."

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    • Wheelchair

    • I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

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    • Bear

    • Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?

    His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.

    *Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

    Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.

    LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!

    Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.

    Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?

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    • Gift memes

    Bullseye

    • Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

    I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

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    • Guy

    • A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

    The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

    The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

    The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

    The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

    The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

    The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

    The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

    The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

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    • Kid

    • What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

    Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

    Christmas

    • A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

    On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

    On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

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    • Friend

    • I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."

    The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.

    Monkey

    • Oh, the monkeys in the trees, they dance and they play, Their fur so soft, their eyes so bright, they chatter all day. Their tails so long, their hands so fine, they swing and they sway, In the trees, they're the kings of the fray.

    Their antics bring joy, their laughter so free, They're a delight to watch, as they jump and they spree. Their mischief is contagious, their fun so true, They're a treasure, a gift to me and you.

    Their little hands so deft, their feet so light, They swing through the trees, with grace and might. They're a wonder, a marvel to see, A precious gift, a treasure to me.

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