A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"
"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."
"What type of book is it?"
"An autobiography."
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?
Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?
Me: It's an autobiography.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?
A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.
Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"
Genie: "Wish granted!"
When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.
if a toy from Toy Story died, the kid wouldn't know, and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse.
Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.
"What happened to your arm?" "Oh, uh... I became a gacha emo."
Don't be racist! BE LIKE MARIO!
He's an Italian plumber, created by the Japanese, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew.
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
I made a 3D game about a depressed, self-harming goth. It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie, bastard, lie!"
