What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
What color flowers do mama cats like to get?
Purrrrrrrple flowers.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
Rizz,
Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.
Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.
You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.
I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.
Poultry rape is no joke. It is God's gift to those who want a laugh.
Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.
Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?
He didn't give me any.
I was made by the Devil.
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex. The poor guy asks the rich guy "what'd you get for your wife today?" The rich guy replies " I got her a diamond ring and a mercedes" The poor guy asks "Why did you get two gifts for her?" Rich guy says "If she doesn't like the diamond ring then she can return it in her mercedes" Rich guy asks the poor guy " what'd you get for your wife" Poor guy says " I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo" Rich guy asks "why did you get two gifts for her?" The poor guy says " If she doesnt like the slippers then she can go fuck herself. "
I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.
The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.
I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
