Friend jokes
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Why'd the emo have no friends?
"Because they like to hang by themself."
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.
... It was a bittersweet victory.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
If you drop something, make your short friend get it.
I had to go to my friend's house.
I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
Me: Do you like smash?
Friend: Smash Rolls?
Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!
Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)
Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.
Friend: What was the first?
Me: They- they weren't always orphans.
Friend: O-O
When you ask your friend, "Can I hear a joke?"
"Sure."
"What do orphans and orange peels have the same?"
"What?"
"They both get thrown out."
What is the best whey to make friends with an American boy, you bunch?
Friend: You're adopted.
Orphan: At least I was chosen!
Friend: At least I was kept.
Dear Gwen and Prince,
Gwen and Prince, sorry for being mean and cussing and other messed up nonsense. To be honest, I really just wanted to be your friends, all both of you! BTW Prince, Gwen is not dating Aiden...I don't even know who Aiden is! Sorry a million times, Zreina.
A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.
I don't know, my friend did it.