Friend jokes

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

If your name is Jack, I think you are a stupid person that leaves their friends and blocks them on everything.

I'm bored. If you want to friend me in Roblox, my username is Talitha95g and my nickname is talithafromamirica.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

I had to go to my friend's house.

I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???

Me: Do you like smash?

Friend: Smash Rolls?

Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!

Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"

When you ask your friend, "Can I hear a joke?"

"Sure."

"What do orphans and orange peels have the same?"

"What?"

"They both get thrown out."

Friend: You're adopted.

Orphan: At least I was chosen!

Friend: At least I was kept.

If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.

Me: Do you like cobble?

My friend: No.

Me: Gobble deez nuts!

Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.

What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.