Friend jokes

I have more STDs than Hicks has friends at the moment. I only have one.

When I try to call my friend, I can't get through because my name is Lin Kon, and the operator keeps saying, "Yes, Mr. President."

Friend: What fly's and cry's?

You: A cloud.

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"

Which month is the bus? December.

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

I can’t remember if I already said this or not. I might have already said this. Also, this is a true story.

So, I’m walking into a store in Amish country, and there’s this guy with a bear trap. Then my mom’s friend says, "This guy’s gonna catch some bears." Then the Amish guy stops, looks around, and whispers, “It’s for democrats.”

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

A 10 year old girl reported to her friends that her 16 year old male babysitter was touching her inappropriately. He quickly lost his job as a babysitter.

A 10 year old boy reported to his friends that his 16 year old female babysitter was touching him inappropriately. She quickly became the most popular babysitter in town amongst boys.

I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.

Yo bro, look at this twig I found on the floor. Wait...

Three good friends decided to meet in their favorite caffe.

The meetup was a successful one, because they all enjoyed themselves.

From the wise words of my friend, "You ain't a man 'til you had a man."

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

Confucius say: "Gay man who take far, far away trip, hates to leave friends behind."