Friend jokes

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"

They replied, "I don’t know."

I said, "Fsh."

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

How do you be friends with a musician?

B minor.

Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"

Riley....I...I think I wanna be more than friends.

Me: What do you call an orphan?

Friend: Homeless.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx

I have 25 friends in the alphabet.

But I don't know why.

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

I watched a movie with a lot of ketchup on the ground.

I don't know why my friends look disgusted.

Friend: Why do you like Minecraft so much?

Me: Because I love miners!

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

A cock really has a sad life. He's hairs a mess, his neighbor's an arsehole, his best friend is a cunt.

There has to be someone that hates watersharky. He curses at you if you say one thing about his friends or him. He just is mean and needs to leave.

Why does Johnny Sins cover his pants, but it doesn't work?

Because the long, hard thing can't chirp down.

Tell it to your parents and friends!