End jokes

Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that... I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

Spell 'Imap' and say 'ness' at the end.

My fucking life, cya.

Two baked beans traveled around Australia.

They both ended up in Cairns.

He turns, he shoots!

And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.

Stephen Hawking must have got a MacBook Pro. End of battery.

REALLY CRAPPY JOKE ALERT!!! Oh Quin, how was eating that tight butt? Must be nasty. I heard you met from rear ending him.

What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Kobe ended so many games with threes. Now he ends his life with trees.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

What starts with a P and ends in S? (hint: men have it and women want it). Pockets.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

Why does Hitler hate golf?

He would end up in a bunker!

What goes in dry and comes out wet and has white stuff at the end?