i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

what turns red, blue then white? the last person that I’d strangle

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”

Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way the first lady she was obsessed with her looks so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish the next person didn’t know what to wish for so they wish for the same thing the guy in the very back was laughing having a grand old time then god got to the person before the last he aaid the same he wished to be beautiful when God got to the last person he said I want them all to be ugly again.

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

I’ll never forget my grandma’s last words, “What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

Snow everywhere, it’s Christmas time. A person looks at the tree. The person: Only last thing left to hang! He grabs a noose.

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