What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it’s family?

A self-fie

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Why don’t you act like an amoeba and split.

Actor 1: "I’m Micheal with a b and I hate insects" Actor 2: 'Wheres the b?" Actor 1: “THERE’S A BEE!!!”

Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have? Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you. Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you. Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

Ryan and his mother had cookies than day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan

I guy entered to a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching crossed the books and the librarian asked him. Librarian… what are you looking for ? Man …I am looking for a book!! Librarian… Which book ?? Man … FACEBOOK.

mom: im going to the shop if somone is on the door dont open me: ok ring me: opens oh sh*t mom: gets flip flop

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor board don’t worry he was just going through a stage

Brother 2(1): We have these weird circles on the street! Government is trakin’ us!!! Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And its the government. Brother 2(1): Then why are there two in the left turn lane Brother 1: So 1 car isn’t always going left and stopping the others. Brother 2(1): Then why are they 1 car apart. Oh to have 3 people going. Brother 1: Correct. When i see 1 car on the first. i go on the 2nd so my light changes. Brother 2(1): You monster. Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight? Brother 2(1):HA. yo mama would trigger the sensor. Brother 1. ARG. its OUR MAMA your disrespecting. Mother (brother 1):whats going on boys? looks in mirror HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY! Brother 2(1): i think you should take your pills. Brother 1: found them. imaginary mother and brother fade away thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him. btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

Q:How do you get a squirrle to like yopu A:Act like a nut 😂

Q:Why dont eggs tell jokes? A:Because they´d crack each other up

Son:Dad can you put my shoes on?Dad:No son i dont think they would fit me Im on a sea food diet when i see food i eat it

I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me

What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!

Bully…you such an asshole. Me… Acting like a dick won’t make yours any bigger

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut 🥜

I love my dog 🐕

me on my way to the prinsiples office after the trans kid told me to act my age so i told him to act his gender

Paddys beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married . The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help . Being a bit of a cheapo , he decides not to buy a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour, still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ’ I’ll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel ' Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years . Paddy taps his mate Mick on teh shoulder and says ‘And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel’ !

Q: Why did the fault line start acting crazy? A: Because it was on crack.

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl gos on stage: break a leg!

Rachel: alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

What do magicians and prostitutes have in common? Answer: disappearing acts

Guy 2 whispering : oh i got tired of acting gay

Guy 1: i heard you, why are you acting gay ?

Guy 2: to attract gays and then give them an advice

Guy 1: so what’s your advice to me ?

Guy 2: that i just know you’re gay

LoL xD